Friday, November 25, 2005

Dave... Oprah. Oprah... Dave. OR... The Story of O (but not the really good one about the fem/sub nympho)

And so on Dec 1st, 2005 it will finally come to pass. The moment none of us were really waiting for... The Big "O" Oprah Winfrey (though not as big as she has been) will end her long-standing "feud" with David Letterman by appearing on his late night tv show.

And to what do we attribute this grand gesture?

A noble announcement to be made for a worthy cause?

The need to use her considerable Celebrity clout to sway the public consent for or away from the U.S.A.'s agressive and interventionist approach to foreign policy?

A fund-raising stunt for charity?

What could motivate the Queen of Daytime Talk...

(...who has been steadily poisoning North American pop conciousness for about 30 years now with her arguably well-intented-if-somewhat-myopic-overzealous-and-underdeveloped-"blipvert" philosophical approach to life, the universe and even womanhood and rabid consumerism, which she quaintly labels "having it all"...)

...what could possibly motivate her to appear on the Letterman show?

Why of course. This moment none of us were waiting for has been carefully orchestrated to coincide with a landmark theatrical event even-fewer-of-us could possibly give a rat's ass about: the opening of the "Color Purple" musical on Broadway.

(No... don't worry kids... I haven't suffered a stroke or become suddenly retarded. That's just how Americans think the word "colour" is spelled. They find the "u" to be superfluous. Why they don't also get rid of the superfluous "u" in the word "prple" remains a mystery.)

So in honour of this momentous non-occasion...

Here's a tidbit about Oprah Winfrey, talk-show host and spokes-mascot for such consumerist tripe as "O at Home Magazine"...which she'll probably mention when she shows up on the white guy's talk show to push her little "Color Prple" theater thing.

(No... don't worry kids... I haven't suffered a stroke or become suddenly retarded. That's just how Americans think the word "theatre" is spelled. They can't put the "e" at the end or they'd have to get rid of it as superfluous. Why they don't also get rid of the superfluous "e" in the words "Hom" "Magazin" "prpl" "Winfry" and "whit" remains a mystery.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah...

Here's a tidbit about Oprah Winfrey...

( Or, if you prefer, as I'm the one passing it on... a TODbit about Oprah Winfrey.)

(Don't worry kids... I haven't suffered a stroke or become suddenly retarded. That's just how Americans think the name "Todd" is spelled. They find the second "d" to be superfluous. Why they don't also get rid of the superfluous second "d" in the word "didn't" remains a myster--- )

What's that? ...Some of them have?
...You're kidding.
...You're not kidding.
...Okay so... what? These ignorant fuckwads just going around saying "di'n't" and actually expect functionally literate adults NOT to give them a good smack in their drooling retard mouths!?!
HUH!?!
...Oh.
...They do, huh?
Fuck...

Where was I?

Oh yeah... a todbit about Opra Wnfre...

The Winter Edition of "O at Home Magazine"

...Or as a Cockney might have it "O at 'Ome Magazine"

...Or as her American "sisters" might have it "HO at Home Magazine"

But I digress.

The Winter Edition of "O at Home Magazine"

TOTAL PAGE COUNT: 140 pages not including inside back and front covers

TOTAL PAGE COUNT MINUS ADVERTISEMENTS: ...Uh... still 140 pages. Our O-so-spiritual-hostess with the mostesses seems to count the ads as "content".

TOTAL PAGES OF ADVERTISING: I lost count somewhere after 50... because honestly the first third of the magazine is 95 percent ads and the last two-thirds... (the so-called "content") seems to be... uh... articles and lists of things that you can buy. I'm not sure how that's different from an ad.

TOTAL PAGES OF CONTENT: Uh... 8 or nine.

TOTAL NUMBER OF PEOPLE DEPICTED IN THE MAGAZINE(including contributors, and images of people in paintings pictures on the walls of model rooms): 93

TOTAL NUMBER OF WHITE PEOPLE DEPICTED IN THE MAGAZINE: 71

TOTAL NUMBER OF NON-WHITE PEOPLE DEPICTED IN THE MAGAZINE: 17

TOTAL NUMBER OF BLACK MEN: 3

TOTAL NUMBER OF ASIANS: 4

TOTAL NUMBER OF DOGS: 4

TOTAL NUMBER OF CATS: 1

TOTAL NUMBER OF BLACK WOMEN (aka African American Women) including Oprah: 10

TOTAL NUMBER OF FAT-ASS, CHAIRS-ARE-FRIGHTENED-WHEN-THEY-COME-INTO-THE-ROOM, FRIED CHICKEN-EATIN' BLACK MOMMAS (LIKE OPRAH WAS BEFORE THE PERSONAL MILLIONS LET HER AFFORD PERSONAL TRAINERS, PERSONAL CHEFS, PERSONAL SURGEONS, PERSONAL REPLICANT BODY-DOUBLES): 0

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay buddy - some of us have jobs - in offices. Laughing out loud and having tears come to our eyes heavily implies to our coworkers that we might not be actually working. At least it's Monday morning, so everyone will just think it's a breakdown.
As an addendum, apparently you are not (as Mr. Poulin would have us all believe) the only blog impaired individual around. Despite having been forced to create a blog which will never be used in order to be able to post comments, I am completely unable to log in to post comments - UGH!

7:36 AM  
Blogger TMcG said...

Thanks anonymous...
Glad you got a laugh and even happier to know that I'm not suffering alone.

11:20 AM  

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